Taming Anxiety
Why are we anxious?
To be human is to know some level of suffering. We aren’t strangers to hard things. We all lived through a global pandemic, watched as wars waged and unfortunately have witnessed the evil of school shootings. We’ve all felt some level of pain whether it’s through loss, breakups, times of failure or dreams not working out. When we experience pain we naturally want to avoid it. It makes sense that we want to avoid pain and that we deeply long to live long lives in which we flourish.
Isn’t fear normal?
We touch a hot stove and get burned. Fear tells us not to do that again because it was painful. That’s helpful fear and reasonable pain avoidance. We see a bear in the woods and our bodies respond — our heart races and we feel the rush of adrenaline. Our bodies prepare to fight, take flight or freeze. Our bodies have a wonderful way to to protect us from danger. That mechanism is great when there is an actual threat, but this system can become overactive, perceiving non-dangerous things to be a threat.
Anxiety is like a mirage. It makes you believe it will quench your thirst for feeling safe and secure but instead leaves you longing for the water of peace.
Anxiety makes you believe it is capable of rearranging your life so that you can avoid pain. It’s as if anxiety operates like a “friend”…until you realize it’s anxiety’s voice that is causing the most pain.
Anxiety is suffering too.
Ironically, anxiety comes on board to help you avoid pain, but it reaks havoc in your life, causing you pain. Experiencing anxiety is quite painful. The physical symptoms that accompany anxiety can feel awful: heart racing, panic attacks, numbness in the arms and legs, constant thinking, stomach discomfort and feeling paralyzed in your panic. The constant overthinking, lack of joy and hyper vigilance become exhausting over time.
When we accept that anxiety is suffering, it helps us respond to it with compassion and curiosity versus as seeing it as something we or a loved one are doing wrong.
Broken Biology
We know our world doesn’t always work the way we hope. The brain is no exception. For some, anxiety symptoms suddenly onset due to an event or trigger. For others anxiety is a life long experience due to their particular neurodivergence, chemical balance or even their personality and gifts. I ask my clients to consider a wholistic approach to treating their anxiety; it may be beneficial to consider other treatments alongside therapy.
Though we may feel we are an “anxious person” there can come a day where we catch ourselves about to describe ourselves in this way and then think… “Wait, that title doesn’t fit for me anymore.” - Rebecca
Three Categories of Anxiety
Which ones do you identify with?
Personality Based
Individuals who struggle with anxiety often are also the deep thinkers, naturally curious, are intuitive and discerning. They are empaths, big feelers, observers and people readers. They are the highly sensitive souls who analyze the world. Why would all these wonderful personality gifts increase anxiety? Our strengths are our weakness.
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Deep Thinkers, the Curious — These people pause when they see a dead bird or butterfly and ponder the meaning of life. This ability to wonder can also camp out in the broken places of life. At night instead of using their imagination to day dream about tomorrow they ponder death, the meaning of life or good and evil. Naturally, pondering such things can lead to feelings of fear and anxiety.
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Empaths & the Highly Imaginative — Empaths can conjure up what they might feel about a sad event in the future or easily mirror the pain of another. Feeling these intense emotions that aren't truly theirs can cause anxiety. They may feel anxiety when hearing a siren, imagining what’s happening and how the people feel. They are the ones who ponder the movie scenes later. “Mom I don’t like that part because I felt like it was happening to me.”
Performance Powered
When a baby is born the parent’s love is set on them because they exist. The baby can’t really do anything but cry and fill their diaper. Our security in our worth being “set from birth” gets warped. We begin to compare ourselves to others, longing to be better, do better, have better, hoping this will make us worthy of praise and acceptance. We are bombarded daily with messages of what will give us more worth.
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experience big emotions and shame when making a mistake.
worry constantly about a mistake in the past or have anxious thoughts about making future mistakes.
feel anxiety symptoms (stomach pain, crying, sweating) when faced with something new or graded.
engage in catastrophic thinking: "If I fail this test then I’ll fail this grade, then I won’t get into a good college or get a good job in life."
have an inner critical voice which may sound like: “You should have done better. You shouldn’t have let this happen. You should have known better than this."
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are often incredibly gifted. They excel in many things, yet feel a sense of ambivalence about their giftedness and ability to succeed. They felt seen and known when achieving. They will befriend their anxiety because it brings reward and the ability to be praised -- who doesn't like that? They will hate it too; the pressure to keep up the success weighs heavy and the pressure siphons the joy out of things they once enjoyed. It may also make them feel set apart from peers.
People Centered
We have all experienced social rejection in some way. For some it was a particular moment in which they were romantically rejected, left out or not wanted in the group, or made fun of by others. For others it was a long term effect of never being chosen. My friends identifying with ADHD describe the feeling that it seemed like people were always frustrated by their behavior. We long to belong. When we feel we don’t, we never want to feel that pain again. In response, we become hyper vigilant about or avoidant of social interactions.
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Feeling flight or fight in your body in present social situations because you are afraid a story of rejection is happening again when you see familiar signs.
Engaging in conversation, but feeling a constant monitoring and questioning of yourself as you do so.
Replaying tapes in your head of interactions; feeling the urge to reach out an make sure you didn't upset others.
Constantly reading the emotional meter of others, wondering if they are upset with you.
When others have a high emotional response, you may initially think they're frustrated with you or that you did something to cause this.
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Not going to the date or party because you feel anxious and are afraid it won't go well. You may be worried that people don't actually want you there.
Staying really quiet while everyone else talks so that you don't make social mistakes.
Wanting to ask someone to hang out but feeling stuck in the fear of rejection so that it paralyzes you.
Wanting friends and social interactions but feeling lost or afraid of how to make that happen.
It’s not uncommon for all three of these to exist together or show up in different seasons of your life.
So what will make a difference?
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Reorienting our self-worth; we have worth because we exist.
WHAT DO YOU BELIEVE ABOUT YOUR WORTH?
I believe you have worth because you exist. I often tell my clients that my view of them doesn't change from when they walk into the office on the first day to when they leave. You exist; therefore we can celebrate who you are and talk about any pain points without it affecting your value. No A+ and no F's in my therapy office.
For the soul who struggles with anxiety, this may mean we look at how you're wired and celebrate the strengths. People who struggle with anxiety are often the considerate, the compassionate, the deep thinking souls of the world. If we see anxiety as part of the dark side of your gifts then we don't have to simply "eradicate" this bad thing from you. We just teach you how to wield and hone your gifts so that they aren't causing anxiety... and that's doable.
For the high achiever. What if we could help you rest in the idea that all of life grows? We aren't much different than the baby learning to walk and crawl. No one yells at the baby when they fall -- it's all a part of the learning. What if you started sharing your high creativity and capabilities out of joy in giving versus needing it to define you?
And for the socially anxious. What if all the hard moments, the words people said didn't have to define how you see yourself? How freeing would it be to be able to sit in the truth that you are more than your social interactions.
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Reintroducing ourselves to fear, anger and sadness.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT EMOTIONS?
Have you seen the new Inside Out 2 movie? Spoiler alert! Anxiety, though it wants to help, takes over and causes chaos. The only way for it to gain that control is to bottle up fear, joy, sadness and anger and send them down and away.
We learned how to tie our shoes, how to count, throw a ball and write essays. But where was the Emotions 101 class? Most of us haven't considered how well we "do emotions"; rather they just come out when they do, or we hold them at bay.
I often describe to my clients that anxiety is the "out front" emotion. It runs about seeking to control, change and safeguard so that we don't have to feel the disappointment, grief, and anger. Anxiety sends sadness, fear and anger away and pushes joy down.
The truth is that we all need a little emotional coaching. When we can express how we really feel, we can accept it, feel it and let it move through. When we do this, anxiety slows because we aren't having to protect ourselves from these normal but hard emotions.
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Regaining control over our minds and bodies.
ARE YOU READY TO FIGHT BACK WITH COPING?
Have you ever heard the phrase, "you are not your thoughts". I find that to be true. A lot of people have anxious thoughts, or even impulsive, random thoughts.
It may feel like there's always a noise in your head. You are always thinking, wondering and replaying events or what you'll say to someone. Maybe you struggle with intrusive darker thoughts like fears about death, failing or getting sick.
Did you know that just because you have a thought, it doesn't mean you have to follow it? I am a deep thinker myself, but that deep thinking could lead to anxious feelings. Once a professor said to me, "Have you ever considered that you don't have to go into the mind maze?" It was life changing.
Whether it feels like you need help untangling the intensity and sheer volume of the chaos in your mind, or you need help shifting dark thinking or negative self beliefs to peaceful thoughts, there are many creative ways for us to begin regaining the control over your mind.
Along with the peace of mind, we want to create calm in your body. We will learn your somatic symptoms of anxiety and use body-focused coping skills to increase calm.
What will therapy be like?
It’s natural to wonder what therapy will be like. In some ways, you won’t know if it works until you try it. Hopefully the content here will help you feel some direction. Starting is as simple (and brave) as an email or call. Therapy is different for everyone, but you’ll see below some of what’s asked of you in the process so that you have some idea of how to come in.
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In initial sessions I want you to feel educated so that you can understand what's going on. We will identify your anxious thoughts and behaviors along with how you experience anxiety in your body. You may learn about the brain, different types of anxiety and begin to understand what will help change it. Come with your natural curiosity, that's all. You're likely already good at learning and want to know more about what's happening to you. You're already doing the work.
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Trust the process. That's actually a scary statement for a recovering perfectionist like myself. We often want the plan so we can execute it as quick and effectively as possible. Part of the healing is being open to the process. That just means that you'll be willing to share what anxiety has been like for you and stay open to trying different ways to change it. Healing doesn't happen overnight. It takes a little work for us to figure out what kinds of coping work best for you. You're likely here because you figuring out your anxiety alone isn't working; you are here because you are already open to finding another process to help. See, work has already begun.
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I am full of ideas! I want to make coping skills creative for you and want to tailor them to your strengths. We have to practice skills; otherwise we are walking around with a lot of tools in our tool belt that we can't effectively use. Techniques don't work overnight. Anxiety is powerful but able to be tamed. It will take some time to tame it with the resources we have and it requires practice. You are here because you're ready for change. That motivation will help you practice and we hope to see that practice turn into power over anxiety. Trying out therapy is a first step in trying out new techniques.